Did the Murder of George Floyd Lead to the End of My 17-Year Career in Scotland?

I felt the hate of the world on my shoulders

Photo by James Eades on Unsplash

Today marks the first day of my (new) life.

I never intended to leave the police. I was in it for the long haul. I was there to fly through the ranks and serve my country. I was dedicated to bringing about justice and helping the vulnerable.

Nominated as the probationer of the year and the winner of multiple awards. This high achiever excelled in every department she worked in. I don’t say this to brag; I want to highlight the passion I once held for this job.

Uniformed response, community policing, criminal investigation department, violence reduction unit, murder squads, sexual offences department, security runner for the baton relay in the 2014 commonwealth games, offender management unit... you name it; I did it. And I did it with commitment, determination, and humanity. Humanity. Is this a rarity in the police?

I never intended to leave the police.

I saw behind the curtain and under the blanket of life. I peered into the cracks that society steps over. I ran toward situations that most of you sensibly retreat from.

I witnessed the ugly, dark, and dangerous side of life. But was also privy to decency in its rawest and purest of forms.

You never forget your first death message.

Let in by the flatmate, I sat on the sofa, waiting for the sister of the deceased to return home. My heart beat through my chest. She breezed in the door with levity and smiles. The weight of my words crushed her. I held her hand and fought my own empathetic tears as she struggled to make sense of my message.

I embraced the crisp night in a comforting hug as I closed her door. Leaving her in my wake to navigate her now alien world. I could no longer hold back the tears, and they streamed down my cheeks. Police officers are human too, or at least some of them are.

I never intended to leave the police.

You never forget your first sudden death, either. At least, I haven’t. She was only 40 years old. Lying naked in her hallway. With only the whisperings of belongings…