eloquently written and I hope it brings you clarity in time. I am childfree by choice and have written extensively about it. I agree with all your ponderings and explorations.
Perhaps I am lucky as there is nothing about mother hood that I crave. But I can imagine it is very difficult if you just don't know. I know of some good counsellors who specialise in this. Look up Are Kids For Me. It's really interesting. Thanks for writing this piece. Have a lovely day