I hear your quandary. I am childfree by choice and it has been a journey.

From my experience and research, I think you have very strong arguments to not have a baby and quite weak arguments for having a baby. For instance do you really want to invest thousands of hours a year into parenting for one potentially fun Christmas?

There are many ways you could have children in your life without being an actual parent. Win/win.

I have written a few pieces about my experiences:

https://medium.com/modern-parent/the-pressure-to-have-a-baby-almost-broke-me-edd2e6c78c9a

https://medium.com/muddyum/the-hypocrisy-of-a-childfree-dog-parent-2eda276054d1

I hope whether you end up with a child or not, you experience deep joy and happiness.