I hear your quandary. I am childfree by choice and it has been a journey.
From my experience and research, I think you have very strong arguments to not have a baby and quite weak arguments for having a baby. For instance do you really want to invest thousands of hours a year into parenting for one potentially fun Christmas?
There are many ways you could have children in your life without being an actual parent. Win/win.
I have written a few pieces about my experiences:
I hope whether you end up with a child or not, you experience deep joy and happiness.